I don’t understand why people parade around with their silly chocolate milk and say it’s better than my strawberry. You know what I do to those people? I beat them up… yeah, that’s right I completely own them. I do it so fast they don’t even know what just happened. See, what I do is I kick them using my ninja skills, so it’s speedy, but I also use my pirate skills to steal their chocolate milk, then I use my ninja skills again to run to the place that has the strawberry syrup and use my pirate mixing skills to turn it into strawberry milk(pirates have to be good mixers, how else would they become bartenders?) and I get back there using ninja skills again. The next thing they know, I’m standing there with another strawberry milk, and they’re standing(or lying in a blood pit) without their milk. I say that’s a job well done for me.

Pomegranate is the most amazing fruit ever, there is no contest. In fact I don’t even need to argue why it’s better than any other fruit. Well, I guess I will a little… pomegranate is the best fruit because it is the only fruit I will eat, and any juice it’s in instantly becomes delicious. I love juice, and blueberry pomegranate is the best juice there is. Yum!

That’s right! I AM better than you!

Incorrect use of “Whose” or “Who’s:” This isn’t as big a peeve as some other things, but it’s still annoying. Here is an example sentence, Tell me whats wrong with it: Who’s book is this? Now if you answered “B,” you’re in luck, you failed! The correct answer is: It’s Whose not who’s. Who is book is this… fail. The punishment is to eat seven laxatives.

Incorrect use of “It’s” or “Its:” This one bugs me slighty more that the “Who’s” thing because it’s easy to go from one to the other. I’ll give you the words to a song, it’s helped me through the hard times: If you want it to be possessive, you just add the “S;” But if you want it to be a contraction it’s “I-T-’-S” Scallywag. The punishment is a kick in the teeth.

Using “At” or any other preposition incorrectly at the end of a sentence: This is my least favourite of all grammar mistakes, every time I hear it, I want to… well let’s not go into that. The other bad thing about this folly(yes I said folly) is that you hear it everywhere! I can’t turn on a television without hearing one of those stupid “Where you at?” commercials on television. The worst situations are when you’re with family… I’m on my best behaviour, someone asks, “Where are you sitting at?” and it ruined my evening… I don’t even want to go into the punishment for this one.

Typing in all caps or all lower-case: IT GETS REALLY ANNOYING WHEN SOMEONE TRIES TO TALK TO YOU LIKE THIS ON THE INTERNET, I HATE THEM AND I WANT TO PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE, YOU’RE NOT YELLING AT ME, YOU’RE JUST USING CAPS-LOCK, A THREE-YEAR-OLD CAN DO THIS, IN FACT THAT’S WHAT SOMEONE LOOKS LIKE WHEN THEY TYPE LIKE THIS. the other thing that bugs me is people who type in lower-case, i don’t understand why. it’s just annoying the fact that you don’t capitalize your “i’s” doesn’t make you cool. The punishment for these crimes is one week without food.

Not capitalizing “I” or not using apostrophe’s or not using end punctuation: I really hate it when someone writes or types: “i want to know if theyre coming,” The answer is: “Shut up, and learn grammar!” I’m not a fan of people who are stupid, and I don’t like people who can’t formulate a simple sentence. The punishment is to be eaten by fish.

Incorrectly using “Too” or “To:” One word for all you who violate this: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Why would you do it, it looks so idiotic… “everything else is to hard”… My head wants to explode now, thank you for being an idiot! The word you’re looking for is “Too,” that word is the basis of all mankind and when used incorrectly, it kills several babies… no one wants to be a baby-murderer(for those who do want to be baby-murderers, I guess using it incorrectly makes babies happy) so don’t do it. There is no punishment for this one, you just murdered several babies, what more can I do?

Well, that’s all I can think about for now, but if I come up with more I’ll rant about them. Yes, I have no life. Oh! wait! First, a haiku:

Haiku’s are easy
But sometimes they don’t make sense
Refrigerator

“We have no past, no future. And even if we did, it wouldn’t truly be ours.”

Incorrect use or spelling of “Your” or “You’re:” I hate it when people type or write something like this: “your stupid,” Just seeing something like that makes me want to rip someone’s face off. The punishment for this crime shall be… me ripping their face off. Also if they do happen to say, “your stupid,” they have proved how absolutely idiotic they are, and should get the Idiot Award of the Year, an award I invented just now.

Incorrect use of “There,” “Their,” or “They’re:” Now, this one you don’t see as often, but when it pops up, it can be even more annoying than the You’re thing. Now, there will be varying degrees of this crime, considering which on you’re(NOT YOUR!) using. For example: “There going to eat now,” will be treated as a minor offense and they will be forced to sit through a boring lecture about Existentialism for eight hours. “Their awesome,” is a major offense the penalty of which will be… An Idiot of the Year Award and forced to watch a stupid children’s show for several weeks or months considering how frequetly used. Other “They’re,” “Their,” “They’re” related offences will be treated as minor offenses and the punishment shall be… public showing of stupidity… also the crimes above have this as an added punishment.

Incorrect Spelling: First Rule of Life: if you cannot spell it, don’t say it! I hate it when people say words they don’t know how to spell, because if you can’t spell it, you don’t know what it means. Punishment for this crime will be very minor: public humiliation. Of course, there will only be punishment for chronic misspelling, because people can do typos.

Use of an idiotic or Ignorant word. Words such as the N Word and the F Word are idiotic and stupid. I hate when people say them there’s(NOT THEIRS!!!!) no reason to say them. It’s gotten so big to say these words in our society that they have no meaning anymore, also, whenever someone says one of these words, their(NOT THERE!!!!) ignorance shows. Now, I can understand saying them to make a point, like why not to use them, but if you’re(NOT YOUR!!) using them to insult someone, go away and stop talking. The punishment for this crime is so major I don’t even want to mention it.

Typing an Incoherent Sentence: I hate when people do this. If you’re(NOT YOUR!!!) going to type or say something important, make sense. Punishment is… a slap to the face.

Finally, use of Internet Terms or Leet Speak: Please for the love of whatever deity you believe in DO NOT type like this: t|-|1s 1s ttly k3wl. It’s not the ninties, anf you’re(NOT YOUR!) not using a cell phone, please never talk like this. Punishment is… to be eaten by a dinosaur.

Those are my Grammar Laws of the Internet and Writing. If I see anyone break these laws, I will punish them the way they’re(NOT THEIR!) supposed to be punished. Also, if I broke any of these rules myself so far, I’m sorry, I have a bad headache and cannot find the Aspirin. More to come later.

“We have no past, no future. And even if we did, it wouldn’t truly be ours.”